I CAN DO IT! Oh wait, you mean... now???

A few keypoints to keep in mind here....

I am on academic suspension.
(If this is news to you, go check out two posts ago)
I am no longer allowed to keep my on campus job.

If the semester has already started, then the Rexburg Idaho job market is as nonexistant as the giant squid.
(by which I of course mean that it is existent...
but as impossible to find as it gets)

I am (not WAS, but AM) an art major.

My eventual goal with art (in a nutshell):
To learn a vast variety of artistic skills at school.
To teach myself even more variety of skills.
To start a small out of home business of selling my art.
Use this to benefit my family -
not just financially,
but spiritually as well.
Because for me, art is a
spiritual thing.

Thus concludes the keypoints and a nutshell.

Well... my brainstorming thoughts regarding life, family, school, work, and my own capabilites have led me to a realization that only took full form just earlier this day.
The realization?
That NOW is probably the time to get this art thing going.

(by now you may have realize that the "it" in the post title refers to art)

So... why now?

Because even though I do art in school, it is schoolwork.
And even though I know quite a bit, I need to practice. Oh BOY do I need to practice!
And even though I have people tell me that I could sell my art, I don't actually know anything about how to do that....
And because my attempts at easing my way in to this are thwarted.

They are thwarted by the simple fact that this endeavor of mine requires a really really REALLY big investment -
of time,
of effort,
of diligence,
and of willpower.

....and I mean REALLY big!

And today I am being real with myself: This is going to take as much - if not more - out of me as a full time job would.

Am I stopping the job hunt? Goodness NO! haha part of being real with myself is being real with the fact that a job would be so so very helpful at the moment.

But as I told Austin earlier, "I have the faith that some kind of employment will work out if it needs to. I will keep working hard towards it. But I am starting to realize that a full-time job may not be what this time right now is for. I am recognizing that this time right now is a gift - and it is probably the only time within the next few years where I will have this unique opportunity to fully invest myself into my art. I have known for a while that I need to do this, but if I keep treating it as a side-hobby, it's probably not going to happen. If I am going to do this, then NOW is the time."

And sssssooooooo....

ART.

Not just art, but making and SELLING art.

This will be fun.
And hard.
And crazy.
And enlightening.
And risky.
And messy.
And exciting.
And out of my comfort zone.
And a learning experience.
And very possibly, the beginning of something BIG.....

Wish me luck :)

I've got some research to do!

A Post with an Unintended Subject

Lets begin with a couple of flashbacks to the previous post:

"I know that my life needed this change, becuase already I am finding opportunities that I would have missed (more on that in further posts)."

"And for later, I hope to make a post each day. If each day I can get down even a small thought on any of the above subjects, then that will be enough."

Well... this would be said "further post," so I'll be discussing said "opportunities."
Also... I have clearly not posted something each day haha I had so many thoughts running through my mind at the time.

I wanted those thoughts to

settle down,

use their inside voices,

and line up single file from tallest to shortest.



And I thought I would be facilitating such order via blog posts.
And that one small post a day would "be enough."

Turns out ZERO posts a day was enough.



Because TURNS OUT (yet again), I have wonderful family and friends that have once again proved beyond supportive.
And my little vents here and there + ridiculously good advise + fun sisterly outings + generosity that makes me want to cry + small unexpected miracles like the grocery bill adding up to less than I had anticipated it would + goofy-but-wise emails from dad + family in town + eating more fruit (just trust me, it makes me happy) + lots and lotS and loTS and lOTS and LOTS of prayer =
I AM DOING WELL.

I left my hubby out of the above equation (in specifics, at least). That is becuase he is an equation all by himself.

Because sometimes he indulges me.
He gets me an ice cream cone.
Lets me have my lazy/emotional/hormonal/i am WAY to overwhelmed moments.
He picks out some movies for me and makes me some grape koolaid and sets up pillows and blankets on the couch for me to experience said moments.

...but then he always balances it all out with encouragement, by
encouraging me to go do something outside that day.
Reminds me that it is my week to do dishes.
Tells me when I should probably
get out of pajamas and take a shower
(lets not look into that one too much, okay? okay).
Asks me to drive him to school in the wee hours of the morning, instead of walking and letting me sleep in... because that way I am up and busy and more likely to get started on my day.

And of course, there are just the sweet little things he does that are not necessarily indulgent, but not necessarily pushing/encouraging.
They are just sweet.
Like giving me long hugs when he gets home from class.
Telling me he is so proud of me for what I've accomplished that day.
Or that hour.
Or event that minute.
Tolerating my occassional stress-induced outbursts, and smiling and saying "I forgive you" when I tell him that I am sorry.
Holding me when I wake up from a bad dream.
Reading to me a few pages from "The Hobbit" as I fall asleep every night (maybe you - reader - know me well enough to understand how giddy and loved this makes me feel!)

..................

Hmmmm... hadn't intended to post so much about Austin. But that is okay :) More than okay. Becuase random bursts of gratitude/love that need expressing are definitely more than okay.

In fact...
the intended post subject (those opportunities I keep referring to) is just going to come in another post.
Still going to write it right now.
But in a separate post.
Because I just like to categorize things.
So... this post in under the category of, "gratitude for family, friends, and hubby."
And now I am off to write the intended post under the category of, "work/art/opportunity."

You know.
You're basic categories.

Surprise! you're life is about to change drastically....

You know how sometimes there is something deep down that you know is probably true? But just don't wan't to acknowledge it?

You know how sometimes that "something deep down" is the reality that you should take a break from school and focus on other endeavors? Because your life has been pretty packed the past year or so? And you have so much on your plate that you're not really sure what to eat first? And that because of said circumstances your grades have been less than stellar and you're on the verge of being placed on academic suspension anyway?

....And you know how sometimes you get the academic policy mixed up a bit and didn't realize that an online course over the summer break counted as your last chance to bring up your grades and avoid said suspension, INSTEAD of the upcoming fall sememster? And you find out the week before school starts that you are being dropped from all of your classes and are suspended for two semesters and can therefore not keep your on campus job?

Or, wait... is that one just me?

Well, all that aside.
It happened.
And I freaked out.
But... only for about ten minutes.
Because I have the best husband in the whole wide world.

I calmed down, and came to acknowledge that truth that was deep down inside of me:
I need a break.

No, not from life. Not from responsibility. Not from education or growth. Not from working. Just... from the routine that has been the past while. Life has taken crazy twists and turns this past year. You know... engagement. Marriage. That stuff.

And EVEN THOUGH I felt like the fall was MY SEMESTER,
EVEN THOUGH I felt like the whole "bad grades" thing was out of my system,
EVEN THOUGH I thought that I would have a handle on the wife/job/student balancing act....
...that probably wasn't true.

Because even though I thought I knew what the road ahead was going to be like, I think someone upstairs could see that it was going to be different.

And this whole suspension thing that I have brought upon myself is probably the only thing that could convince my stubborn self that I needed to take a break.
(I use that word "convince" very loosely. Suspension doesn't really leave me any choice).

.................................................................

Okay.

I am having some difficulties.

I just spent half an hour trying to type an explanation of why I know that this circumstance is a good thing.

Why I know it needed to happen.

To explain my thought processes that I have had over the passed few days.

To convinced step by step that this is for the best and I am looking forward to it.

But... turns out that is a hard thing to do.
Partially because my thought processes are a little bit wild and random.
But mostly because this is what it comes down to:

I HAVE FAITH.
I know that our trials are for the best, even if we kinda mess up and bring them upon ourselves. I am happy. I know that my life needed this change, becuase already i am finding opportunities that I would have missed (more on that in further posts).

This time is HARD, but it is exciting and it is what I need to be doing.

So much I could say about so many things:
Family.
School.
Work.
Art.
Timing.
God.
Opportunity.

But I am seriously finding myself incapable at the moment to fully and adequately express my thoughts or feelings on any of the above.

And they all deserve adequate expression.

And so for now, I am leaving it at this: simply an expression that life is good and I have faith it will continue to be that way.

And for later, I hope to make a post each day. If each day I can get down even a small thought on any of the above subjects, then that will be enough.

Until then, moving forward :)

My Savior, Jesus Christ. A Real Person.

(disclaimer: this is possibly the most jumbled and scatterbrained and grammatically odd thing I have ever written. But be that as it may, I had thoughts. They were powerful to me, and -- even though that power is undoubtedly NOT communicated effectively in this post -- take it for what you will. If nothing more, just think for a moment about your Savior and what He means to you. Because that's really all this is. My Savior and what He means to me).

For tonight's post, no fluff. No centering certain text. No bolding/italicizing/capitalizing important words. Because I very simply have some words to share, and I don't want any "fluff" to distract me from writing them.

First of all, as proof of how important these words are to me, I am leaving town for two weeks tomorrow morning and I'm not even packed. My homework is due at midnight and I'm not even done with it. Oh, don't get me wrong, I've had quite the ridiculously aweomse day. One of the most productive I've ever had. But nonetheless, I am left with still lots to do and there are technically only 2 hours left in the "official" day of Saturday.

But still... I had thoughts. And I've just gotta share them. But probably this is more just for the sake of getting them written down. Becuase these are those kind of thoughts that come into your head and you know right then and there that you really really don't want to forget them. Ever.

So, thoughts:

While doing my Book of Mormon class homework, I was reading in 3 Nephi. These are the chapters where Christ comes to visit. Oh goodness, so many glorious stories and feelings and moments of feeling the Spirit. So many words that could be said about that wonderful passage of scriptures. But those are not precisely the things I even want to write about.

The point is, they got me thinking about Christ. A lot. And I really started thinking about Him as the real person that He is. As I person I have known before being on this earth and I will be with again after leaving it.

And then came the part in my homework where I had to memorize a passage of scripture. I could choose my own scripture to memorize, so long as it was about the atonement. For some reason I flipped the pages over to the Bible Dictionary. Every now and then I like to read those passages. They are just very interesting and often provide wonderful summaries of beautiful doctrines and principles.

And so to the Bible Dictionary I went. And this is what I read:

"Jesus Christ, as the Only Begotten Son of God and the only sinless person to live on this earth, was the only one capable of making an atonement for mankind. By his selection and foreordination in the Grand Council before this world was formed, his diving Sonship, his sinless life, and the shedding of his blood in the Garden of Gethsemane, his death on the cross and subsequent bodily resurrection from the grave, he made a perfect atonement for all mankind."

...and the thoughts started flowing. And then just. kept. flowing.

Keep in mind here that I had already been having wonderful feelings about Christ being a real person. Because that overtone made all the difference when reading this.

"...the only sinless person to live on this earth...."
Wow. Sinless. Never yielding to temptation. Ever. Not even once. He was perfect, because he had to be. He had to be "capable of making an atonement for mankind."

And then the first big thought/realization came to me.
Realization #1 --
He was perfect BECAUSE he had to be. He volunteered and was selected to be our Savior BEFORE the world. He wasn't called BECAUSE He was perfect. He was called, and then CHOSE to be perfect in order to fulfill His responsibility. So often I think of Him as being the only one eligible to perform the Atonement as our Savior. But this is my new way of thinking about it: He was the one who made the right choice EVERY MINUTE OF HIS LIFE, and THAT made Him eligible. He CHOSE it, and He followed through...

...and that was no small task. That is something I learned in a realization a few minutes later while studying the same words.

"...the only sinless person to live on this earth...."

Realization #2 --
...this earth. THIS one. This is the earth He lived on. This earth scares me sometimes. This earth scares me most of the time, actually. So much can and does go wrong. And THIS is where He was perfect. THIS is where He CHOSE to never sin. THIS is where He never ever ever once yielded to temptation...
THIS earth.

He is a real person. He was human. In the scriptures, we learn that on this earth we "real people" are given temptations and weaknesses so that we can overcome them through our righteous choices and become strong. Same goes for Him. We learn that we are put through afflictions even when we're doing the right things, so that we can be tested in our faith. Same goes for Him. We learn that there is a universal law of opposites: misery and happiness. Bitter and sweet. Right and wrong. Salvation and punishment. That is just the way things go. We learn that unto whom much is given (such as an earthly responsibility) much is required (such as enduring through a whole bunch of muddy and messy affliction)....

Same goes for Him.

Which brings me to realization #3 --
He was GIVEN the biggest responsibility: to be perfect so that He could perform the Atonement for all of mankind (talk about pressure).
And so, based on "opposition in all things," He must have also had more REQUIRED of Him than any other. He faced more temptation, more persecution, more pain... not to mention all the temptaion, persecution, pain, sin, and sickness of EVERY SINGLE PERSON THAT EVER LIVED ON THIS EARTH.
Whenever I think of that, it is so beyond comprehension that it seems so other-wordly. So foreign.
But then I remember: He is a REAL PERSON.

He was like you and me. But the difference is what He chose to be.

And that is quite the choice. And it made quite the difference.



And it makes quite the difference to me.

Inbox. We meet at Last.

Inbox....

He is my arch nemesis, if ever I had one.

Why?

Well - arch nemeses play on our worst weaknesses. And my email inbox plays on just about all of mine:

I have a desire to be extraordinarily
organized in all aspects of life, and
yet often find myself incapable of
accomplishing said structure....

....Inbox has effectively evaided my
organizational attempts for as long as we have
been acquanted.

I am not very good at staying in touch
with people (see previous post)....

....Inbox cleverly uses my inability to
organize Him against me by overwhelming me with
His lack of structure every time I attempt to
recover long lost conversations with intentions
of reigniting communications

Technology sometimes scares me. I like
post-it notes, notebook planners, and
G-2 brand pens....

....Inbox is scary to me in and
of his very nature.

I have difficulties with the past.

Inbox has become a partial record
of the past.

And so, needless to say, we have a long history of not getting along.



But hold on, I think I should elaborate a little bit on my difficulties with the past. It is, after all, my primary area of contention with Inbox and the reason for this post (which reason will become apparent later on... promise....)

I don't have difficulties with the past because it has been horrible.
It has actually been quite wonderful. I like it.

I have difficulties with the past because it is the past.
I have difficulties with the past because I have dwelling tendencies. I don't get over things very well...

No, not like holding grudges. I am a very forgiving and understanding person...

No no, the things that I don't get over very well are my own mistakes. They really really bug me.
Words I've said I wish I hadn't,
Words I've neglected to say that I really should have,
Gratitude not fully expressed (or even felt),
Kindness taken for granted,
Friendship taken for granted,
Experiences taken for granted....

A LOT taken for granted.

I have difficulties with the past becuase
it doesn't let me go back and fix those things.
I have difficulties with the past because
even though it isn't HERE anymore, it is always THERE.

And I don't much like that. At all.

(this post sounds rather depressing... soon to be remedied, I guarantee it!)

So, INBOX, you have succeeded in playing on these weaknesses of mine. Very cruelly, at that. I know, I know, you're just an inadament code of numbers and letters on an intangible web page. But its what you represent in my mind that rubs me the wrong way.

But NO MATTER.
Because today, I have emerged victorious.

Over the past couple days, I have spent hours (so many that I would rather not say) sifting through every. SINGLE. EMAIL.

...ever.

At times it was entertaining.
At times it was boring.
At times it was painful.
At times I felt guilty.
At times I laughed.
At times I wanted to stop....

But pushed forward, I did.
Kept hope, I did.
Used the force, I did.

(maybe not that last one)

And many hours, many downloads, many deletes, many stars and labels, and even a few tears later, I FINISHED.

Inbox, you have been tamed. You are organized. You are minimal in clutter, and maximal in efficiency.

And you know what?
I learned something:

It's not you, its me.

Yes, there were some emails that weren't my favorite. My friends and I weren't always kind to each other. There was drama. Oh BOY, was there drama! I can't say I am proud of everything I ever said or did. I wish I had spent time worrying about and doing more important things. I wish I hadn't at times been so arrogant. I wish I hadn't at times been quite so easily offended. I wish at times I could have just let things GO.

But... who doesn't?

These regrets were distracting me from all the amazing times I had. High school was crazy, to say the least. But it sure was FUN, too. Why not focus on that part of it?

And you know what else? Those friends are STILL MY FRIENDS. That should sum it all up, shouldn't it?

My own reflections + Austin's words of wisdom have helped me to realize that I can just let the past go.

Just... let it GO....

Simple as that.

Becuase even though I may not be proud of some things,

I am probably the only one that remembers those things, anyway.

So... I will let it go.
*shrugs shoulders*

And I will no longer avoid looking at good old pictures,
or listening to good old songs,
or reading good old notes,
or remembering good old times,
JUST because those good things also reminded me of the bad ones
they were mixed up with.

Because I WANT TO REMEMBER THE GOOD THINGS




























...untainted by the bad.

And as of today, I think its possible.

Now for that reason I promised was coming: I am posting about this because it is actually a pretty big deal for me,and my battle with the inbox seemed to have represented it in a slightly humorous way. And so I felt like talking about it.

I felt saying that I think I finally "get it."

And that makes me feel good inside :)

Um... hi? (other title: my wonderful husband)

Explanation for first title:
I FAIL at blogging.
And facebook.
And emails.
And responding to texts.
And keeping in touch in general....
....yikes....
BUT please oh please, know that I am doing
better.
Know that I am
trying.
Know that I really do
miss
friends and family more than I could say.
Know that my odd inability to stay in touch with people is likely
my least favorite part of myself.

And above all, know that
I am CONQUERING it :D
And boy oh boy, does it feel good!


And SO, I give a hesitant "Um... hi?" Becauase I cannot guarantee I am finally victorious. But I can declare that the battle is in my favor.
and likely to stay that way :)

And NOW, in an effort to avoid my usual self-criticism/explanation/overly apologetic/guilty ramblings on my weaknesses....

I will MOVE ON.

Because no one likes a dweller.

And because I don't like to dwell, even if I tend to.

And becuase... there are more important matters to discuss.

This matter, to be precise.



My wonderful husband.

He is my friend.
He is my best friend.
He was my fourth grade crush.
He was my fifth grade crush.
He was my sixth grade....


Well, you get it.


And for a while there,

in the turbulent washing machine which is
junior high and high school,
he was my long lost and most missed friend.....


He was my Senior year rediscovered best friend
He was my orchestra buddy
(viola/bass section prejudices aside).
He was my hug after school when I needed one.
He was my plate of cookies before school...
when he decided I needed one.
He was my self-confidence when I had none.
He was my reminder of my Savior.
He was my Senior Prom date
(after I asked him to be).
His was the hand I held in anxiety before graduation.
His was the hand that found mine in the crowd afterwards.

He was my summer-long date.
He was my "I love you."

He was my potential husba....

He was my "we'll have to wait and see."
He was my boyfrie...
He was my friend, because I was leaving for college.
He was my assurance to go to college.
He was my tearful and heart wrenching goodbye...
He was my REassurance.

He was my
constant,
heartbreaking,
center of my every
thought and every
breath and every
tear...
He was my MANY tears.
Because I missed him.
Because we were confused.
Becuase we knew we needed each other,
And yet we didn't know where our lives were going,
Or how they could possibly be going somewhere together.
Because although we needed each other, we also needed to do what we needed to do....


And yet, at the very same time,

He was my
constant,
heartlifting,
center of my every
thought and every
breath and every
laugh...
He was my MANY laughs.
He was my many more laughs than tears.

He was my wake up phone call in the morning.
He was my phone call on my way to class.
He was my phone call at 3 am when I was trying to stay awake to finish my drawing.
He was my phone call when I missed him.
He was my phone call always.
He was my phone call maybe too much?
He was my surprise package in the mail
with a picture of us,
letter from him,
rubber batman toy,
and denim blanket that smelled like him...

which made me cry.

He was (is) my denim blanket that I slept (sleep) with every night.

Mostly at that time,
He was my, "Monica, you CAN do this."


He was my greeting party at the airport when I came home.
He was that about three times.
He was my tearful goodbye kiss when it was time to go back.

But most importantly... he was my greeting party at the airport when I came home.

And one time... He was my "Monica, will you marry me?"

Because we finally figured it out.
Because, turns out, my desires to pursue my life's purpose
and my desires to be with him
were actually the same...
Because that was true for him, also.
Becuase our Heavenly Father knows and loves us.

He was the one who took me to the temple.
He was the pair of green eyes I couldn't look away from.
He was the hand I held.



He is my husband.

And I am his wife.

And we will be that way for eternity.



And I rather like that....